18. Elina, Faculty of Behavioural Sciences
Kaleidoscope reflection

Needs:
I have to read a lot of scientific articles in English. Currently I work as an assistant researcher and I have to read articles on daily basis, and in the future I also have to be able to write scientific articles in English. A specific need that I have at the moment related to reading academic texts is that I should develop a broader active vocabulary so I could read articles more fluently and without much effort. I should be able to speak more fluently, or to be exact I should be able to take part in a conversation without anxiety. At the moment if have to speak English I get so anxious or uneasy that a fluent English seems to me a quite challenging goal to reach. So I need to find the courage to open my mouth. In my future career I’m going to be participating international conferences. Therefore I have to be able to listen to lectures and speeches in English and I have to understand them completely even when delivered at fast speed.
Skills:
I understand almost everything but I can’t say very much (or as much as I should be able to say). I am used to reading scientific articles and I can understand academic texts quite well, but sometimes there are some words that are unfamiliar to me and of course I can guess what they mean but if I misunderstood the point of the text it might be a bit harmful (for example when I’m planning a study design on the basis of recent studies and research or literature). I haven’t spoken English for almost eight years (except ordering at the restaurant when travelling etc.) and in the school we didn’t practice speaking very much. I have some difficulties pronouncing certain words (for example words health and teeth etc.) and that makes me insecure. I think that people usually do understand what I am saying but I don’t like the way my pronunciation sounds like. I also often get tongue-tied when it comes to beginning or holding a conversation, I feel like I tend to loose what I’m suppose to say or what I wanted to say or I just don’t remember the words. In the case of listening and understanding, I feel I can manage quite well. Only when the speech is very fast or the accent or terminology is unfamiliar for me, I have some problems understanding, or listening feels a bit too exhausting.
Motivation: I’ve never been a good English learner in the terms of motivation, or to be honest I’ve never liked English or learning English too much. I feel that I can’t use, speak and pronounce English as well as I should and that kind of discourages and overwhelms me. Speaking English properly feels just too difficult and the fact that I feel that my speaking doesn’t improve no matter how I try, makes me dislike it and reduces my motivation. I’m anyway aware of that I have to study and learn English and that I’m going to need English in my future career (or at least if I want to succeed), so I would be very pleased and relieved to find a way to be more motivated in learning English and to find a way to cope with my anxiety when learning and using English and thereby get rid of my dislike of English. So my primary motivation concerning this ALMS course is to make my daily living and working easier by learning to use English more fluently so that the anxiety wouldn’t be so big of an issue for me anymore. I’ve been thinking that a new way of learning would be at least a part of the solution for me. To be able to focus on specific needs that I have and to be able to reflect on my learning process and to do that outside of an traditional classroom setting and without constant external evaluation or criticism, would be more motivating and successful for me.
Personality:
As a language learner in general I think I am the auditory type of learner and I learn quite well by getting lots of exposure to real language. I am also a reflector, I like to notice and think about things for myself before acting. I like to learn by analysing the language and by the above means I want to develop a certain awareness of the language and a certain intuitive comprehension of how the language is used; I tend not to think so much of the grammar rules. I set myself very high standards and I realise that my goals are maybe too high. Traditional classroom type of learning has impacted me the way that I compare myself with others a lot, I think, and I’m a bit worried of making mistakes. I can find a clear difference in the kind of language learner and user I am in general and the kind of English learner I am. For example I’m not as good in writing and understanding Swedish as I am in English, but I’m not afraid of speaking Swedish and I don’t avoid situations where I have to use Swedish and I actually like Swedish and I like using it although I can’t use it very fluently. But it’s the opposite case with English, and that makes me a bit sad and embarrassed. I feel it’s very disabling to be afraid to speak English, and I can end up to a kind of a vicious circle; by avoiding the situations where speaking English is required I get even more anxious and shy. I’m already quite shy when it comes to speaking English and I’m afraid that people will laugh at me when I make mistakes. That really disturbs me, because usually I have quite good self-esteem and I’m not afraid of making mistakes and I don’t spend too much time wondering what other people think of me. I wonder if the key here would be to lower my standards a little?
Learning background:
I studied English and Swedish and German at school (and then Spanish at the university). Although it was only eight years ago it feels like it’s a long time since I studied English. I’ve always enjoyed learning Swedish and languages in general (including my native language Finnish), but for some reason English has always been a bit of a struggle for me, I don’t remember too many positive things of my English learning history. English learning at school was about grammar and vocabulary and about tests and external evaluation. At school there was hardly any talking done and when we did speak English at English classes it was often criticised by the teacher or peers. I think that the English teachers I had didn’t quite inspire me and I didn’t spend too much time in English classes, which is funny because at school I always was a so called “good student” and I did very well at school or succeeded very well in my studies. But in English I didn’t succeed so well or at least in the terms of test results that is. But a few weeks before the A-levels or the matriculation examination my English teacher told to all of us students which grades we were probably going to get and for me she told that I would get cum laude approbatur. However I had other plans and I managed to get laudatur. Thereafter I haven’t relied on teachers’ evaluations of my language skills, I realised that I am the better “judge” of my own strengths and weaknesses. But anyway, I have bad memories from English classes at school and I think that if I want to be able to improve my English, I’m going to have to ignore or bypass those bad memories. I’ve had so little practice in speaking English after school that I haven’t managed to get any better and more encouraging memories and experiences of using English, but ALMS is my plan to get them.